A year full of change

This year has been pretty crazy. For one thing, I am no longer a French resident. So I guess the blog's title is now inaccurate. I may change it. If you show up after it has been change, the original title was "Avi in France".

In February, pretty much exactly for my birthday, I got my green card. Pretty exciting stuff. I also got a social security number and started looking for a job. I did some cleaning at Sean's job, Hackbright (Sean is my husband, in case I never mentioned it before. Sometimes I leave important stuff out).

In the end of May, we went to France (so I guess I was in France for part of the year) for Guillaume's wedding. Guillaume is one of my brothers, the oldest one. He's 3 years older than I am. We had a great time with him, his now wife Marie, and family. However, while Sean and I were riding the RER (Paris suburb train), I got my wallet stolen from me. It contained, among other things:

- All my money and bank cards
- Every type of ID I owned (including my green card and my passport)
- My social security card (which I was told to bring just in case for re-entering the country)

Those are the big ones, really. It also had transit passes for France and the US, a bunch of gift cards or store cards, things like that.
So we got to the airport, getting ready to check in our luggage, and when they ask for my passport, I realise what happened. That sucks.

Long story short, I sent Sean on the flight telling him I'd take the next one once I got it sorted through, then spent two weeks just trying to get out of the country, which included a bit of spending the night at the airport although I stayed with my aunt for most of that time. It was stressful and difficult (just getting out of the airport and back to Paris took a whole day: I didn't have my transit pass, money to pay fare, ID or bank card to withdraw money, or anything like that).

After I was back in the US, I applied for a replacement green card (the costs are ridiculous) and tried to figure out how I could keep looking for a job while I didn't have any green card to actually show anyone. I eventually got my (newly obtained) passport stamped, acting as a green card until I received the new one, and off I went to jobland.

I had no job perspectives for a while, then way too many at once. First I got a tutoring job, 2 days a week. Pretty good, but short hours, and while I had advertised myself as a French tutor, it was for math. It proved difficult. I started at the beginning of September and did it until December.

Then I got two job interviews almost simultaneously. One at Kmart and one at Ross. Kmart hired me during the interview so I started right away. Ross called me two weeks later to tell me I was hired if I still wanted the job. I didn't think I could successfully juggle both plus the tutoring, and it seemed shitty to leave Kmart after just 2 weeks, so I declined. That was still in the beginning of September.

And finally, in October I was contacted by a translation website, Rev.com, to become one of their translators. Coordinating an interview proved difficult but after it finally happened, I was hired right away and started working within the hour. It's a very good job where I can set my own schedule, accepting projects as they're offered to every translator with my language pair (French and English), or not accepting any projects for days if I so wish. Every project can be previewed before being accepted so you know what you're getting into.

So far I have translated birth/marriage/death certificates, school reports, diplomas, background checks, vaccination records, subtitles for a variety of videos, even an excerpt from a Master's thesis on comparative French and Italian law on the unity of art. It's giving me experience in a whole range of areas and I'm very excited about it. It's also done online, meaning I can do it from anywhere with an Internet access.

So that's it for the jobs. Right now I "only" have two left, although at some point I'll just leave Kmart altogether. I would have months ago, but... I met someone.

He's my boyfriend now, and I couldn't be happier. He's considerate, he's funny, we have a great time together and I just want to hug and kiss him all the time. He works there too, and before I dared ask him out, the reason I kept working there was the fear that once I was gone, I'd have no way to contact him anymore and we'd lose touch.
It was a lot to dump onto him, what with me being married and polyamorous, but he took it like a champ and was willing to give it a shot, and I'm so grateful for that. He's an amazing friend and a great person. I don't want to give more details about him because while everyone at work knows, he's not eager for his family to hear about it, which I can definitely understand. It's not very likely that their reaction would be enthusiastic approval rather than concern or maybe even anger. Not to mention, even without the whole polyamory thing, you don't necessarily want your parents to know you're in a relationship. I certainly didn't tell mine when I was with David, and I didn't even tell them about Ian for the first 7 months, or about Sean for the first... probably around 7 as well, actually. Although I never told them about Sean, Jacquot (my grandfather) did after I told him.

Anyway, rambling. I am a bit clumsy about this relationship because it's my first time actually dating. David always framed the relationship more as a friends with benefits kind of thing and we were never affectionate in public, nor did we really have proper dates. Ian and Sean both started long distance, meaning we either lived in separate countries, or in the exact same house/apartment, so we never really had those kind of dates either. The dates I've had with either of them involve(d) walking into the next room and going "hey, want to go to the movies/restaurant?" and then getting ready together. So I'm really figuring it as I go.

I know I enjoy waiting for him when I arrive before he does. I know I enjoy seeing him there when I arrive after he does. I know I like holding hands with our fingers interlocked, which is how the two of us do it but not the way I usually hold hands with people. I like holding him and having my face next to his neck rather than his chest. Holding him is so different from holding Sean and I love both feelings, and I'm so happy I get to experience both in my life. I like that I'm still experiencing new things with him.

So yes, I'm now in a relationship with not just one, but two amazing guys I care about very much. I honestly don't know how my new relationship is going to evolve or even if it's going to last but I'm enjoying every second and I'm so grateful everything has been going so well.

More math stuff

When I was a kid, I sucked at math. I mentioned it before but it was a while ago.

I thought I'd share some more "tips" for multiplication tables. I already shared the one about the 6 table in a previous post but there are others. I'll start with one that I mentioned to my husband recently, and which he wasn't aware of. I worked on turning it into a valid formula, and ended up with:

x2 = (x-y)*(x+y)+y2

But what I actually mostly used it as was "x2 = (x-1)*(x+1)+1".

So for instance, the other day when the talk was about figuring out what's 7*7, I thought "49" right away, because I know from my 6 table that 6*8 is 48, and 48+1=49. I could also have used the fact that 5*9=45 and 45+4 is 49.

I always thought of it as "a number times itself is equal to the numbers on either side of it multiplied, plus one". But when talking about it, I realise it also worked for (x-2)*(x+2)+4. And then I realised it kept working regardless of y.

At first I thought x needed to be greater than or equal to y, otherwise you'd get into negative amounts and it would stop working, right? Except I tried it with x=5 and y=6 and it still worked. I assume it would work the same if x and/or y are negative numbers, because the squaring makes it irrelevant.

Another trick was for the 3 table. Now, I guess most people just remember it and don't need tips. But multiples of 3, if you add up their digits together until you're left with a single digit, equal 3, 6 and 9 in order, over and over again. And the tens digit increases by one every set.

What I mean is the first set start with a 0 in the tens position. So it's 03, 06, 09. The second set starts with 0+1, which is 1, and still totals 3, 6, 9. In other words, it's 12, 15, 18, the ones digit being 3-1, 6-1 and 9-1. The next set starts with 2 followed by 3-2, 6-2, 9-2 and so on...
Once you go past 12, it gets a little bit more complicated. With this method, 3*13 = 40+(3-4). That's 40-1, which makes it 39. It's true, 3*13=39, but you start getting into subtraction instead of addition. It's a bit like odd numbers in the 6 table. It still works, but it requires a little bit more math, making it a bit less useful as a trick.

No you'll tell me, how do I know what's the tens digit for, say, 42? It's not help if I have to go through every single multiple of 3 until I reach 42.
But what you do is divide 42 by 3, round up and remove one. That would work fine, you get 14 exactly, not need to round up, you remove 1 and that gives you 13. Because you didn't need to round up, you know it's a "9" (the last number of each set. The other two would need rounding up, as they would end with either .3333 or .6666). So you do 130+(9-13) which is 130-4, which is 126. 42*3=126.
The main problem is that at this point, it's easier to just multiply 42 by 3 than going through the whole process. So it's not the most useful "trick" to know as it's actually more difficult to divide by 3 than multiply by 3, as far as I'm concerned at least.

So that "trick" is probably best used for multiplying 3 by a single digit. Which most people can do on their own to begin with, making the whole thing pretty superfluous. But I think it's still cool to know.

I promise all of this makes sense in my head. I can't figure out how to make it less confusing on the screen, sadly.

In defense of asymetrical polyamorous relationship

I have seen a lot of criticism of asymmetrical poly relationships, both within monogamous "civilian" circles and within polyamorous circles. One common example is religious polygyny, which is the one I am going to focus on in this post.

People tend to assume that in a relationship that includes one poly person and one (or more) mono person/people, the poly one is having all the fun, and the mono ones are victims of an injustice.

This annoys me because it shows that people are unable to see things from a different angle. It seems to me, the people who say this think:

1. Everyone wants to have several partners, ideally.
2. Nobody wants their partner(s) to have other partners, ideally.

If you take these two premises, then mutual monogamy is a compromise in which each partner agrees to have none others so that their partner won't either, and mutual polygamy is a compromise in which every partner agrees to let their partners have others so that they get to as well.

And as a result, a mono/poly relationship becomes this unbalanced thing in which one partner gets his way on both counts, and everyone else doesn't get their way on either count.

But these premises just aren't true. I will counter them with:

1. There are people who only want one partner, and do not want anyone else, ideally. Having someone else would make them less happy, and would require effort on their part. These people are monoamorous (see my previous post for more on amory).
2. There are people who want their partner(s) to have other partners, ideally. If their partners are monogamous, they feel a loss, like they're missing something. Being with a mono person requires effort on their part and makes them less happy. These people are the more compersive types (see my previous post). And yes, they exist (I am one).
3. Some people are part of one category or the other. Some are part of neither. And yes, some people are part of both categories.

Some people want only one partner. And they want that one partner to have other partners. It happens, it exists, and that's the ideal configuration for them, and the one that makes them happy.

I'm not saying that every Mormon female is such a person. I do not know all of them. What I am saying is that when you see a situation that is symmetrical, don't base your assumption on whether it is fair or not purely on the fact that it's asymmetrical. In many cases, a symmetrical relationship would be the one making everyone unhappy.

Look at the relationship. Look at the people. See how happy or unhappy they are, and then, you can make an educated guess on whether or not their relationship model is fair for them.

Until then, the only thing I hear is "I refuse to believe that some people can be mono and compersive at the same time! Sure, they seem happy but I must decide for them that they actually are not, because otherwise I have to question my preconceptions, and I don't want to!"

And that, to me, is as frustrating as people refusing to believe polyamory exists in the first place and assuming poly people are weak, not really in love and/or miserable.

More thoughts on polyamory

I wanted to talk more about polyamory, because there have been some talks recently in my circles about what it is and what it isn't.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I can definitely give my opinion. To me, there are many things that can define a person, all related to polyamory. I'll explain what each term means to me.

I ) Amory

To me, polyamory is an orientation. It's something you identify as. It's not a sexual orientation, but it's an orientation of sorts, just like you can have a BDSM orientation of Dom, sub or switch. To me, you can have a relationship orientation of monoamorous, polyamorous, and a couple others that don't generally have a name formed along the same model but that I think deserve to be mentioned.

This identity defines how many people you can find yourself attracted to in a romantic manner, going further than sexual attraction. Not simply a crush you have no intention or desire to act upon, but actual desire to have a relationship with that person or these people.

• If you are monoamorous, that number is one. If you want a relationship with another person, you choose between the two, as you're not interested in having two partners at the same time.
•  If you are polyamorous, that number is superior to one. You might have your own number that is set in stone, or it can depend on the specific context. Either way, if you already have all the partners you can wish for, this is generally referred to as polysaturated. Even if feelings develop, you aren't interested in acting up on them. Some people use the specific "biamorous" for someone who specifically wants two partners, often one of each gender, but generally it's rare for polyamory to specify a number at all.
• If you can be happy with one or more partners, or you are sometimes monoamorous, sometimes polyamorous, I think your orientation is a third thing, similar to bisexuality or pansexuality on the sexual orientation spectrum. This is rarely named at all, and in my experience the people who fall into this category tend to be of the opinion that you can choose, while the people who are strongly mono or poly wouldn't agree that they could choose to be the other. I find that even a stupid name is better than none, so I will refer to them as "eitheramorous" until someone comes up with something that sounds better.
• Finally, you might not want any romantic relationships at all. This is typically referred to as aromantic, although it's generally used as a romantic orientation, which is about the gender of your partners, not their numbers. I think though that many people would agree that if the answer is "nobody", it applies for both types of orientations. I guess if you want to keep the suffix, you could use "zeroamorous" instead.

II ) Compersion

In polyamory, compersion is often used to mean giddiness or joy at your partner's love for others, his/her happiness with others, and so on. If you often feel compersion you are referred to as a compersive person. Although the word has its base in polyamorous contexts, it is independent on your relationship orientation.

Compersion is an important factor in polyamory because it can shed a light on how easy or hard it is for you to have polyamorous partners. Someone who is very compersive will prefer poly partners, delight in their various crushes, want them to date others. Someone who isn't might be as supportive as they can, but actually suffer from it, and have to deal with a lot of negative emotions, or they might want to date mono partners only. For that reason, it is absolutely possible to be monoamorous but prefer having polyamorous partners, or the other way around.
If I had to create levels of compersion for people to rank themselves (although I feel it's really a spectrum), I would use:

• Level 0: can't stand the idea of a partner having other partners. Out of the question. Would never consider a relationship with a polyamorous person, just the thought is painful.
• Level 1: can feel some compersion, but it's negated by the pain. Could consider a relationship with a polyamorous person in extreme circumstances, for instance an existing relationship they do not want to lose.
• Level 2: would prefer it if their partners wanted no other partners, but willing to have relationships with polyamorous people.
• Level 3: Doesn't care either way what their partners do, no preference.
• Level 4: would prefer it if their partners were polyamorous, but willing to have relationships with monoamorous people. 
• Level 5: strongly prefers a polyamorous partner. Would be willing to have a monoamorous partners, but in extreme circumstances, for instance an existing relationship they do not want to lose.
• Level 6: extremely compersive. Gets off the feeling of their partners being in love with others. Would absolutely not be willing to date a monoamorous person and give up that feeling.

III ) Gamy

Many people will disagree with my use of polygamy here, because they think it's a "bad word". But I want to reclaim it. To me, gamy is a relationship description. You can use it to describe your current relationship, or your ideal relationship. Unlike amory, I consider gamy to be a choice. It does not have to match your relationship orientation.
Note that gamy can be replaced by gyny for female partners or andry for male partners, while gamy is just partners in general.

• Monogamy: one partner, and the relationship doesn't allow for others/neither partner is interested in having other partners, so it's understood it won't happen.
• Monogamishy: one official partner, and the relationship allows for others in specific circumstances, which are the exception, not the rule. Usually comes with emotional exclusivity.
• Polygamy: more than one partner, or one partner with the expectation that more will be added once you meet them.
• Sologamy: subcategory of polygamy similar to dating around, but without the expectation of exclusivity, moving in together, having children and so on if a relationship is serious. Sologamists are also called solopolys.
• Zerogamy: chosen celibacy. No partners at all, by choice, for whatever reason.

IV ) Openness- Exclusivity

We all know what exclusivity is. In our mono-dominant society, exclusivity tends to be seen as the point when the relationship becomes "serious". Monogamous people are always exclusive, at least in some way. Some people might consider themselves monogamous without sexual exclusivity, but then they'll want emotional exclusivity. To some others, it will be the other way around. I have yet to meet someone who would say "We can have sex with others, we can be in love with them, but we're monogamous", although who knows, it might happen.

Some people seem to think that non-monogamous people are never exclusive. That's not true. Polifidelity is a situation in which there are more than two people involved, but they are all exclusive together, and no more people can be involved.

Without having an exclusive arrangement, someone might also simply not want additional partners, in which case they wouldn't consider themselves open to more relationships.

I would create a scale, but there are too many categories. From completely closed (no new partners allowed under any circumstances) to completely open (anything goes, no need to check with anyone beforehand), with many different branches in the middle (only if it's purely sexual/only if it's NOT purely sexual; I want to know nothing about it/I want to know everything about it), it just becomes extremely complicated, and someone everyone should talk about until they're sure they know what everyone's comfort zone is.

Final thoughts:

Why this long article about all of this? Because I think people need to understand that all of these things can matter. If you are not a compersive person, that doesn't make you a bad person. But it does mean that it will be more difficult for you to have polyamorous partner... or to deal with mono people being interested in someone else rather than you. Seriously, people don't understand it, but after being rejected by someone, I'm happy if I see them fall for someone else, not crushed by it.

I used to think everyone worked this way, and I ended up needlessly cruel entirely by accident. It's good to learn that if you reject someone, talking about how in love you are with someone else does not make the rejection easier for them if they are not compersive. It makes it harder. So it's good to be aware of how compersive other people are, and that different people will react differently to different situations. Always be considerate towards their feelings, and not the ones you would personally have. People deserve your compassion even if you don't understand why you have hurt them/are hurting them.

Interestingly, what many people don't seem to think about is that if you are very compersive, having a mono partner can be challenging as well, as the feeling you get from someone you love falling in love is pretty amazing, and you'd have to do without. Similarly, the relationship with metamours can be very rewarding for a compersive person, and one can suffer from missing out on it. There really isn't a monogamous equivalent.

On cheating. A lot of people say "if you're cheating, it's not polyamory". I disagree. With my definition, if you love two people, and want a relationship with both, it's polyamory, even if you use deceit. But you can also be monoamorous and a cheater, either loving only you spouse/official partner, and sleeping around with no feelings involved, or not loving your spouse/official partner anymore and loving the person you're cheating with.

I dislike the idea of rejecting everything you don't like as not polyamorous, because the people are dishonest, or because the rules are gender-based, etc. I think it's an orientation, and therefore, just like cheating doesn't make you suddenly not straight, even though ideally straight people want their partners to be honest, the same holds true for polyamory. We're not more enlightened and we're not perfect.

TL;DR:

I think there are several axes that are relevant to someone's relationship type:

• Amory defines the number or romantic bonds you want or can create, from wanting/loving no partners at all to wanting/loving many.
• Compersion defines how comfortable you are with your partner(s) having other partners, from absolutely requiring they do to absolutely not accepting it.
• Gamy defines how many partners your current relationship allows for, from zero to many.
• Openness defines whether more partners can be added to the relationship or not.

For instance, I am polyamorous, fairly compersive (somewhere between 4 and 5), and my relationship is polygamous and slightly open (new partners are encouraged, but it's expected they'll meet everyone and get along before being asked out).

Are labels needed? Hell no! Can they be useful? Sure. But if it only confuses you more, then just ignore the whole thing. None of it is meant to try and rule your relationship. I just like being able to define my relationships in as much detail as possible. You don't have to be like me.

Back in France - Summary of my time in the US

I was in the US for the past few months, and got back on the 3rd of January.  The following is a summary of what happened while I was there.

Getting back to the US was great. I missed everyone a lot and in some ways it was just like I had never left, in others it was very different.

Some of the people weren't working there anymore, and because some people had been let go recently, the mood wasn't at its best. That got better over time, though. Magic Night wasn't a regular thing anymore, and although I was hoping it would be again, the lack of interest and the fact that Sean didn't want to participate (but stayed as my ride even tough I had a bus pass, meaning he'd just be bored all evening) made it so that it didn't really happen, although I did play a few times.

I kept going to Sean's office on a regular basis, actually even more often than before, I would say. Not on Thursdays anymore much, but almost every Monday (painting night), Tuesday (various games night) and Wednesday (Dark Heresy night, during which I usually painted).

As a result I got to hang out a lot with my friends again, which was really nice. Within the first month, we had a 24-hour gaming marathon at the office, and I'm proud to say I stayed up all 24 hours (as well as a couple of hours both before and after the marathon itself). It was a LOT of fun. I played, among other things, Pokémon, AudioSurf, Warhammer 40k, Magic the Gathering, Cards Against Humanity, Race for the Galaxy and Zombie Dice.

Sleep deprivation wasn't as bad as I expected, and although I was goofy and not very self-restrained and too French (forgot about culture differences again), I didn't embarrass myself quite as much as I thought I would. For instance, I kept most of my clothes on throughout.

The only games I was new to (out of the ones I mentioned) were Cards Against Humanity and Zombie Dice. I really enjoyed the former, and the latter was cool for the last few hours when we were too tired to play anything complicated.

Other out of the usual events included:

- My welcome party. We went bowling, and to a restaurant. It was really nice seeing everyone together at the same time again.

- Going to Muir Woods as a triple date. Delicious grilled cheese sandwiches were had. We didn't end up doing much hiking, but we had a lot of fun.

- Playing Android over a whole Sunday. Man this game takes a lot of setup. I enjoyed it but you need to plan a whole day around it.

- Halloween, which was really, really awesome. I dressed as McGee's Alice and hung out around the people I already knew to avoid freaking out because there were a lot of people. Then we went to see Cloud Atlas (after I changed). I loved it so much I saw it twice more in the following two weeks.

- Thanksgiving Day at our place, which was nice although I got overcrowded and didn't participate much. I think there were too many people for me.

- Post-Thanksgiving celebration with some other of Sean's coworkers, this time not at our place. Lots of tasty cheese.

- The Christmas party. So many people! I kept busy by drinking (but no alcohol. No way I'd be comfortable drinking around so many people).

- Sean's birthday week: started the weekend prior with going to The Hobbit on release day with a bunch of friends, then dinner on Saturday with other friends in a pretty awesome restaurant, then we had cupcakes on Tuesday and a dinner on Wednesday (his actual birthday), which doubled as my goodbye dinner.

While I was there, the Wednesday Dark Heresy game ended, and a new one started on Tuesdays, this time with Sean as a GM. I'll be following it on Skype from France but not playing it.

It was very hard leaving, but hopefully I'll be back soon, and for good.

Mathematical epiphanies

So, I'm mathematically challenged. Always have been. When I was a little kid, I got into so much trouble for not learning my multiplication tables. I just couldn't.
I don't have such a bad memory, but it's easier to remember things when they make some sense to you. And it seemed to be pure memory without any logic.

Well, I was reading notalwaysworking.com, more specifically this one.
And I was thinking to myself, 25 is such an easy one to remember. I still don't know my multiplication tables, you see. But there are a few I remember, such as 25, 36 and 48, and a few I know how to get to, such as the 9 table.

I was thinking, 25 is easy because 5*5 = 25. One one side you have two fives, on the other you have two-five. And then 5*(5*5) = 125. On one side you have one and two fives, and on the other you have one-two-five.

I thought about 6*6 = 36 and 6 * 8 = 48, and for the first time ever I noticed that they don't just end with the thing multiplied by 6. The digit is half that. I wondered why it only worked for these two, then realised it didn't. It's the same for every number.
But for odd number, such as 5, you get 2.5 as the tens, and 5 as the singles, and that adds up to 30, and so it's hidden. As for 12, it's pronounced differently so I never really noticed it. Not sure why I didn't notice 24 before, though.

Then I realised, multiplying by six does that because multiplying by 5 results in half the number put in the tens position. So, 5*5 is half of five with the period moved over once. So, 25. And then you add one more of it, because you're multiplying by six. And that's what you do for every number.

That also means that 1.25 is a quarter of 5, since 5*5*5 = 125. Which most people would already know, I guess. But I'm mathematically challenged.

Suddenly, some multiplications are making sense. Now if I'm asked what 6*7 is, instead of not having the first clue, I can know it's 35+7. Which, to be fair, is still hard for me to calculate, but after some thinking about it, I can reach 42.

I don't expect this blog entry to be of much interest to most people. But I was excited by this realisation, and I decided I needed it written down. Someday I can look back and remember what day it was that I realised how some numbers work.

It also makes me wonder why they teach it to children as a "learn it by heart just because" thing. If I had been told the trick back in primary school, I would have remembered the 6 table. They did teach me a trick for multiplying by 9, so it's not like they're beneath it. I wonder if they assumed it was obvious and didn't need a mention, or if they thought most kids would only be more confused by that kind of explanation.

This is going to be so helpful. I know people pretty much have constant access to a calculator nowadays, but there are times when using it takes too much time and causes you to be laughed at too much. Being able to make simple calculations in my head will be valuable. Thanks, epiphany. I like you.

The bag of sand from hell and the guy from WTF

The Bus Stop That Kept Getting Rejected

So I have some weights that you need to fill up with water. But I wanted to fill them up with sand, so I went to a store I knew sold sand (after finding a few that didn't). It was similar to Lowe's or Home Depot, except French.

It was a 45 minute walk, which I thought on the way would be a pain for getting back. Even worse, while they did have sand, they had no bags smaller than 40kg. That's 88lbs for you non-metrics

When I went to pay for it (they had a booth you were supposed to drive by), the woman offered a caddie to take it to my car, to which obviously I said I had none. At this point, I'd like to stress that the bag was already feeling heavy. The woman gasped in shock (I'm not actually exaggerating here) and exclaimed "you mean you're taking the BUS?!" to which I replied "Oh, there is a bus! That's much better than walking!"

She gave me a weird look.

Anyways, I was relieved and decided to take the bus home.

Now, a summary of half an hour of dumbness: Avi goes to bus stop A. Avi thinks it's going in the wrong direction, and walks around looking for another stop on the other side of the compound. Avi gets tired of carrying the bag. Avi asks for directions and is sent back to bus stop A.

Once there, Avi noticed that dragging the bag has made a few tiny holes in it. Avi also notices bus stop B a bit accross the street, and decides that's the one going in the right direction. Avi picks up the bag again and goes there.

Avi reads what's written on bus stop B, and noticed the other one was the right one. Avi gets frustrated. She rips the top of the bag open and scoops some sand out, because she doesn't need that much anyways. She puts the sand on top of dirt and worries she's littering so she stops after a few scoops. Still the bag is lighter now. It also has a gaping hole in it. Avi is a moron.

Avi goes to bus stop A for the third time, and realises it states in obvious terms that it's going in the right direction. Right there on the bus stop. If only she had looked before.

Avi is sore now. Awwww.

Anyways, the bus arrives, I get in, I pay, I get out at the right station (that's pretty much unheard of with me. I was really motivated to have the least possible amount to walk).
For information, the bag now weighs 72lbs. I weighed it once home.
Once in the street again, I catch my breath for a bit. I still have some distance to walk, something like 5 minutes if you're walking at a normal rate and not carrying a bag of sand.

Suddenly, Some Guy.

 

And then a guy shows up.

Guy: Hey, I'm new here, what is there around that could interest me?

Me, hearing "I'm a pastry maker" (this exchange takes place in French) and a bit confused: Er, no clue, sorry."

Guy: A sex shop, a movie theatre?

Me, confused what it has to do with pastries, and suspecting I misheard his previous sentence: er... No sex shop in town but there is a theatre in the main square. Otherwise, not much to do I guess...

Guy: You don't go out much, do you?

Me, who never goes out, ever: No, not really.

Guy: Does the Mister not want you to?

Me: no, he... (suddenly realising he's hitting on me, and wanting to make sure he knows I have a boyfriend) he's in the US.

Guy: Oh, okay. (looking at the sand bag) what do you have here?

Me, stating the obvious: It's a sand bag.

Guy: Where are you trying to get it to?

Me: Home.

Guy: Let me help you.

Me, moving aside so he can pick it up: It's heavy.

Guy picks up the bag, we start walking.

Guy: So, your guy isn't home, right?

Me: No, he's in the US. I'm trying to get a visa so I can go there too.

At this point I'm very confused why he's helping me after I made it clear - in my mind - that I'm not interested in him.

Guy: So, you're single in France?

Me: What? No, I'm still with him, he's just not here right now.

Guy: Right. He's not here.

Me: Right... You can leave the bag here. I can carry it the rest of the way. It's heavy. Thanks so much.

Guy: No, no, I can carry it the whole way. Is it much further?

Me: No, just down the corner. I just don't want you to... I mean, I'm not going to offer anything in return. You don't have to help me.

Guy: No worries. So, no sex shop, eh?

Me: No...

Guy: But you like them?

Me: What?

Guy: Sex shops, you like them?

Me: well... yeah, sure, but...

Guy: What about leather? You into leather?

Me, really confused about this guy being so weird: I...

Guy: You don't like leather?

Me: You're making me uncomfortable.

Guy: Oh.

He stops talking but seems to wonder why the hell that would make me uncomfortable. I'm starting to worry he's going to expect to come upstairs. I have to admit I wasn't worried he'd try anything as much as I was worried he'd see how messy my place is.

Me: We're here.

Guy stops and puts down the sandbag. He's sweating. I'm feeling bad that he carried it for nothing.

Me: I feel bad that you carried it for nothing.

Guy: No worries. So, wanna grab a drink sometime?

Me, terrible at just saying no to someone who's just saved me a lot of pain and trouble: I'll talk about it with my boyfriend.

Guy: Why?

Me: Because he's my boyfriend?

Guy: He doesn't have to know.

Me: I'm not going to lie to him. I'm not going to cheat on him.

Guy: Okay. What about no sex? Just tenderness?

Me, confused: What do you mean?

Guy: kisses, snuggles... no sex, just affection.

Me: I'll see what he thinks.

Guy: What do YOU think?

Me: I... I don't want to get attached to someone in France when I know I'm leaving for the US.

Guy: But you're going to feel lonely in the meantime.

Me: I'm fine.

For some reason, I can't quite remember, he gives me his number anyways.

Guy: You won't give the number to your boyfriend, right?

Me: No, of course not.

Guy: I don't want him to call me.

Me: He's not going to want to call some guy in France. But I won't give it to him.

Guy: You promise?

Me: Yeah, I promise.

Guy: Okay, then bye!

I go to hug him because I forgot French people don't do that. He air-kisses me. I mean the way French people greet one another, by brushing your right cheek on the other person's right cheek and kissing the air, then brushing your left cheek on their left cheek and kissing the air. But he does the process twice in a row for a total of four air kisses.

Guy: With me, it's four kisses.

Me: Ah. I'm used to two.

Guy: Oh, okay, let's do two then.

He air-kisses me twice. His hand kinda brushes against my waist but not really, less than in a hug. I don't think anything of it at the time. Now I wonder if it was innapropriate by French standards, where you're not supposed to make contact at all when you greet each other (sometimes even the cheeks don't touch).

Then he leaves, asking me to keep him informed.

Conclusion

So I was at the door, feeling pretty shitty because I felt like I led the guy on. I thought I was clear right away that I wasn't interested, I don't know if he was pushy or if I was misleading. I ended up pretty confused about the whole thing. The guy was nice, polite, there was barely any contact, he gave me his number rather than get mine. He did ask some inappropriate questions but stopped when I said I was uncomfortable.

But at the same time it's pretty clear that he expected me to cheat on my boyfriend. I mean, I know I'm polyamorous, but he didn't know that.

Anyways. I dragged the bag inside, and then had to go up the stairs. I ended up going slowly, lifting the bag for every stair. Now it's home next to me and I'll fill the weights later. I think I need to rest a bit first.

All in all, I'm glad the guy helped me, but I still feel bad that he got nothing in return. If he hadn't hit on me, I would have been more likely to contact him again and hang out as friends (I do feel lonely) but as it is, if we saw each other again I'd be uncomfortable and expecting him to make a move, so there is no way I can do that. I'm debating if I should call him to tell him, so that he doesn't wait for a call that never comes, which sounds like the right thing to do, but I don't want him to know my number. Maybe I'll call from a phone booth or something.

So yeah, the sand is here. I'll fill the weights later. Right now I think I'll get some rest.